Why’s it so hard to be nice to ourselves?

I’m pretty hard on myself.

I just had a major surgery (last Thursday) and I’m expecting miracles. I expect that I should be out of pain, off oxycodone, totally withdrawn from all pain meds and on my feet doing laundry and keeping house. In my wildest post-op fantasy, I should be holding down a job, fixing dinner every night and dressing for success all damn day. Also, adopting orphans and feeding the homeless.

When I write it down, it sounds ridiculous.

I haven’t had a job in 6 months. I’ve been sick for over 4 years. I’ve been recovering from weight loss surgery for just over a month and gallbladder removal for just under a week. I can barely hold down food at this point, let alone a job. Calm down, Mother Teresa!

I guess I’m impatient because I know how long I’ve been sick and how much I want to be better. My goal is be a productive human being again. Stop wasting time on being sick. Be a better wife, mother and human. To serve others and have purpose. To lose weight overnight and be a rockstar tomorrow. I’m ready for all the glory without any of the work, pain, time. Honestly, I want to take away the burden of a sick home from my husband and daughter. Bottom line. I feel so selfish.

Today was a success because I am almost 48 hours out from my last oxycodone pill after having taken them every day for over a month. My nausea is subsiding and I’m able to stand up straight without pain. My weight has gone back down to 399.8 and I’m doing laundry by myself. I am not exactly following my post-op diet but I am eating food that I can stomach.

I can only have a few bites at a time. I’m supposed to have nothing but protein, but when ur sick? Protein sounds awful! Chicken soup/veggie soup/broth is about the only protein I can stomach and even so, how much soup can a person handle? When you’re nauseous, ever heard of BRAT? Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. I’ve been having a small piece of toast throughout the day for a coupla days because it’s all I can keep down. I can only eat a few bites, I over-chew and it stays down. Breaking the rules, but being nice to myself. Still losing weight, of course, because I’m barely eating anything.

Important not to make a habit out of bread. Also, trying to keep liquids down. That’s the most important thing I can do right now. Stay hydrated.

Goals for today:
Drink liquids.
Eat a little.
Stay off oxy!
Do a tiny bit of laundry.

Check!

OH! And be nice to myself. Check.

As a sidenote: I wish the nurses and doctors during my recovery had mentioned the oxy-nausea thing. Instead they told me to return to a soft food diet, not “get off oxy asap!” It’s not food, it’s the drug. Pretty sure. Because what they thought was an ulcer is now almost assuredly a side effect of the oxy. Glad they listened to me finally, took out my gallbladder and saw through the EGD that I did not have an ulcer. They prescribed carafate for my “ulcer” that they thought I had (before they saw the EGD results) and I nearly puked on that med. Stopped taking it immediately. But now I have a very expensive script that I only used once. I have resolved to care for myself the best way I know how…listen to my body! And fight for myself.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s