Sneaking Food

I am 13. The house is dark and still, except for the hypnotic hum of the freezer. I am Secret Food Ninja oozing through the family room towards said kitchen appliance. Pause, listen, both parents are snoring just a few yards away in the master bedroom. Can I free the chips from their icy prison?

(Yes, my mom kept potato chips in the freezer for some reason. She said it kept them fresh? I think it kept them out of sight, truthfully.)

Will I be able to silently open the door? Extract the ill-fated snacks? Spirit away in the inky mystery of night.

Yes. Yes, I will.

Did I ever get caught?

Yes. Yes, I did.

There were a few nights that I failed at my secret eating mission, but there were many nights I succeeded. At the failure of my health.

I don’t know why I secretly ate food at night. Other than the fact that I was friggin’ hungry. Or depressed. Or hungry. Or a growing, hormonal teen who never got enough food at dinner or ever. Or that my thyroid probably never worked right from a tender young age?

My mom said, and still says, “You were born hungry. It’s true!”

She offers the “It’s true!” in response to no one disagreeing with her. She offers the addition as if she cannot believe herself the state in which I was born. Starving.

She’s not wrong. I have always been hungry. She said I came out of the womb wanting food. She would try to satisfy all of my needs: diaper, play, everything a baby needs. And then she would finally feed me and that was the thing that I wanted. But, it was always the thing I wanted.

I think my thyroid and metabolism have always been at a disadvantage. I wonder if my body ever worked right. I have been overweight since the age of 5 and recently lost my thyroid and gallbladder. In fact, in the last 10 years, I have had significant health trouble and 3 surgeries. My organs have failed at the rate of 3 every 43 years. That’s not good. That’s too much! Even 1 is too much. ‘Cause, ya know, death.

I was diagnosed with heart failure (maybe because my thyroid was failing? thyroid controls major body functions like heart rate), thyroid cancer (had it removed) and gallbladder failure. Hm. Not good. I think I had my first gallbladder attack when my daughter was only 3. Never had a problem before pregnancy. *Shrug*

I mean, yes, I have always eaten whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But after I gave birth to my one and only child, my body went haywire. Sprooooiiiing! I gained 150 lbs. after my pregnancy in a period of 7-8 years. I did not eat enough food to gain 150 lbs. in that short amount of time. My body was shutting down. Could be diet, genetics, illness. Or most likely a combination of all of those things.

But recently, just before my weight loss surgery, my surgeon said to me, “You have a genetic disorder. You have family history of obesity and you need surgery to correct it.” God bless him. God bless him.

Every Schmoe I ever met always laid the blame squarely at my feet. You eat too much. It’s okay, you have issues. We love you anyway.

OR

You’re lazy. Exercise more.

Can I just say? I busted my heinie for 2 years at the gym, 3-5 nights a week, 1-2 hours a night. Cardio, weightlifting, regular Zumba and Aqua Zumba! Swimming, running, walking, biking. Everything!

I. TRIED.

Like, for real, I tried. I dieted and exercised and killed myself after I almost killed myself with heart failure. My husband can confirm how hard I ran after fitness. I tried diet after diet and my weight was just stuck, set in stone, con-friggin’-crete.

But that surgeon. He gave birth to me again. He cut me open and cut me loose. From all the tangled up nets of emotion in an ocean of mental and physical sickness. He fixed my stomach and my gallbladder and my hunger and my head. He confirmed what my mom said.

You were born hungry. It’s true!

I don’t get hungry any more. It’s weird! I have to remind myself to eat instead of reminding someone it’s time to eat. lol

Today, I weigh 354.8! That’s a total of 158+ lbs. 🙂 On my way. This ninja has finally stolen her health back.

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