This Mess is Mine

My circus. My monkeys.

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If I have to run away with the circus,
I’ll always be in your ring.
Juggle all the things you toss,
Hold the net when you bravely swing.

You make me shake and tremble.
Hold my breath, close my eyes, say a prayer.
Though I wouldn’t want to miss the show,
Watching stars burn bright in the air.

You are my circus.
You’re my car full of clowns.
You are my monkeys.
Medicine for frowns.

You’re the lion tamers,
The death-defiers,
The tight-rope walkers,
The brave high-flyers.

I never want to be out
From under the ol’ Big Top.
This is where I belong.
I don’t want the fun to stop.

So please stay in my tent.
I don’t mind the mess.
You can be my circus.
I wouldn’t settle for anything less.


Love you both.

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The Best

If you’re a llama?
Be the best llama you know.
Sorry, Non-llamas.


If you can’t be a llama, be the best version of yourself today. Or at least be a little better than yesterday–in understanding, patience or kindness. That’s what all these tomorrows are for.

Drawing credit: Jimmy King (dad)

Blustery

It was a sunny, blustery day on the coast yesterday. We went to the jetty and photographed the white-capped waves (rare) breaking on the rocks. The clouds were magnificent! It was an unusual, but beautiful day! Windy!!

We saw an apathetic surfer riding the waves yesterday. They were that strong. For this area, very rare.

Lonely

cardboard mountainThis is a Photoshopped image of water damage to cardboard. My daughter took the pic with my phone and I Photoshopped into a mountain with trees and clouds and mist. I made the clouds in PS using the paintbrush and smudge tool. It reminds me of the old-school, high-contrast Japanese ocean/wave paintings. So a haiku to go with moldy cardboard.


Katana in hand.
I sweep the land of all foes.
I, alone, mourn you.

Llama-rama

Another llama! Llama sighting.

My dad drew this when he was young. My daughter took a pic of it before we left Missouri. His portfolio was starting to deteriorate from water damage and time. So we took pix of all of the artwork in there and this was among the ruins. So cool!

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This llama belongs on the side of a building with a Che Guevara beret! #banksy Love it! That’s his signature “James K.” He must have been young and still in school. So cute!

¡Tricicleta Naranja!

I went for a morning bike ride today! Felt great. (Also! Painted my toes teal with sparkles!! 😀 Yay for glitter! It covers a multitude of mistakes. lol)

Here’s my commentary while resting on the porch at 8:53 am.

My face is very red and sweaty and freckled! My freckles pop when I’m red-faced. 🙂


The air was so sweet this morning. Humid, perfumed and tropical breezes. I had fresh morning flowers and swift coastal breezes to carry me back and forth from Sharky’s Pier. Glad to have that done and under my belt for the day. Great way to start the day.

It was difficult. But worth it.

I’ve been stuck for about a week or so. Just one of those things. I’ve had a larger appetite, so that may account for the stuckiness. I was down to 314-ish, but I determined that was an error. Did you know if you move your scale around on tile, it can weigh you differently?? Yeah. So I have picked a spot and I will always use that spot.

This morning before my bike ride I was over 324. Normal for morning before any liquid removal. 🙂 Current weight=320.8 lbs after morning exercise, breathing hard, sweating and taking of my Furosemide. I can tell I’m getting rid of more liquids now. That’s how you lose weight. Exhalation (breathing hard, seriously), sweating, and going to the loo. That’s not bad. It ain’t great, but I haven’t gone up all week. I hope that with my vigorous exercise (for me!) this morning, my body will wake up.

Also, I ran out of my med–Synthroid. We lost insurance at the end of May, so I couldn’t get a doctor to call it in. The last script was for Synthroid only. No generic. Well, Synthroid is very expensive without insurance. So I needed the generic equivalent which is Levothyroxine. I found out at least from my PCP in Missouri that I can take Levo because they tested my numbers on both Levo and Synthroid and they were the same. Good to know.

So I finally got a script of Levo and am taking it now. Only $11.90 without insurance through CVS! Thanks, CVS!! I really needed this med. Without a thyroid any more, you have to stay on Levo for life. It really does make a difference. Helps with weight loss, hormone production, body function, avoiding headaches! LOL It does everything that your thyroid does and thank God it exists. The thyroid does a lot–tiny, little, fleshy butterfly in your neck. Controls the whole body. Heart, endocrine, weight!


Thank you, God for flowers, doctors, medicine, trikes, beach, Florida, ocean, family and my body–as hapless as it may be. Thank you! God be praised. So happy to be alive and in need of medicine. So happy to have legs to hurt after bike rides. So happy to have all the little moments that make up even the worst of days.

Dear Lillian (and any other frustrated artists),

Oh, my precious daughter.

I have passed down my intensity. Frustration. Perfectionism. And insatiable need for applause and pats on the back. I’m so sorry.

When I look into those deep, brown, watery eyes of yours and see your struggle and pain? It breaks my heart. But at the same time, it pricks my own frustration.

I have somehow failed you along the way. Not that I passed down some negative trait, but that I haven’t taught you how to cope with it. Mainly because at 44, I haven’t learned my damn self.


Lilli is 13. Barely out of middle school and a budding artist. Her skills aren’t where she wants them, but writing as an artist, are they ever?

Taste and talent never seem to match. Do they? Ugh.


The most valuable skill as an artist, I maintain, is the ability to adapt. (Art finds its own way. You can’t force it. Its going to be whatever it wants. It has a life of its own. You’re merely along for the ride.) This is learned, not innate. So I have, at least, failed to teach you how to adapt. The most important skill I could teach  you. Beyond Photoshop, or how to use watercolor pencils (haven’t a clue), or how to shade properly (if it doesn’t get done with a drop shadow in PS, I can’t help you with shading, sorry!).

But I can teach you (sorry, I keep forgetting to) how to adapt. How to approach art. How to find solutions, how to experiment, find your style.

Do anything that feels real or awesome. And if you’re not there yet? Modify your expectations. I do. Every day. And if you want to get better and I don’t know how, Google that shit. 🙂 I’m sure there’s a Youtube out there concerning exactly what you want to know.

Be true to yourself. Don’t seek attention. Don’t wait for applause. It may never come. Make art for yourself and screw the rest. It’s that simple.

Oh! And have fun. :*


And Me? Don’t get frustrated with yourself or your daughter. Have fun. Take a deep breath. You haven’t failed. You have an amazing 13 yo who is awesome at art and life. She has a big heart and is full of potential and knows Photoshop, sort of. You. Have not. Failed. You have chances to learn. Just like her.

Thanks, Me. You’re awesome.

Disciple of Writing

The rigor of writing
Is a discipline of desire.
Touching keys is
Fishing for fire.

I am a disciple of writing.
My job is one of igniting.
Writing is not a choice.
It is an immutable voice.

Set the world ablaze with your magic mind.

Sideways

There was a tentative crab
Crawling out to sun.
Dodging surf,
Sideways and unsure.

I could barely see him
Against the sea,
But once I found him,
I couldn’t lose his shiny-gray body.

My head half-buried in the sand.
Body unmoved. Just my eyes.
And the light felt silvery as the sun was falling.
And my skin felt brown and warm in the silver.

GrayCrab skittered about, back and forth,
Picking up dark blades and sea offerings.
But then, he disappeared
As quickly as the shore.

Down his hole,
Back to his underground palace
Filled with treasure, shells, spells,
Beach snail friends, and wonderful tales.

See you later.