Broken-hearted

Heart broken
Sad beyond words
Despair and anger
Pick at me like birds

I lay in the ashes
Mixed with tears and spit
Swirled dirt and blood
This is where I quit

You left me here
Alone in the world
To drown in this whirling
Pool that you purled

Where’s your spirit
Where’s your strength
Where’s your promise
Past arm’s length

You’re dead
You only live in me
But if I’m numb
What good will there be

I’m at a loss
To know what to do
If something’s done
It’s gotta be you

You’re the only reason for living
So how can I exist
When you’re not here
My fingers crumble from a fist
My head remains unkissed
Erased from some list
What’s the point in this

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Don’t Pop

the world is all at once
popping the bubble of now

but the stone of lasting peace
is answering the how

How do you suffer? How do you stop?
How do you survive to be the bubble at the top?

Copland Clouds

Aaron Copland clouds
Violin-flavored skies
Trumpets and strings
Brilliant blue with wings
Plucked from the scores of paradise

Rose gold rays, long-tall days
This is where even devil prays
Brass beds, brass bands
Grass-fed. Prairieland.
Worry and fear are always my strays

Green as far as the sun can swing
No fence to stop a living thing
Rolling hills, sunlight spills
From the top of the world, I sing

Yellow fields sway
Harps of angels play
Blue blazes
Horse grazes
Cowboy gazes

And I dream that these ghosts will stay.

Thankful for Unreasonable Love

It’s hard for me to write these days. I don’t have extra time. But with Thanksgiving breathing down our wattles, I wanted to say a quick thank you to my husband.

My husband, Guy. He’s a rock. I know all women say that about their husbands. And some are referring to the stony outcropping of a lump that inhabits their sectional, but this man. This man is my rock.

He is the stone that I have built my adult life on. Over and over, my “home” has been torn down, ripped to the studs, overwhelmed by the storm and waves of PTSD, anxiety and mental/physical illness/addiction. My whole life seems like a chaotic whirl of emotion and pain. But in the middle of that whirl, the lighthouse I fix my course on, is Guy.

He’s brought me to Christ. He wouldn’t say that. He wouldn’t know that.

My mom taught me church, the Bible, what it meant to be a Christian, but my husband has drawn me to my knees in reliance on Christ.

We’ve had turmoil. We’ve had horrible fights. We’ve had almost 20 years of anger, bitterness and rage to conquer. But we’ve done that mostly hand in hand.

He’s supporting me in this crazy idea of mine, to go to Israel and help little children and elderly who use wheelchairs. He’s so excited for me. He has been my cheerleader throughout this whole process.

I’m so lucky and thankful to have such a passionate, caring, loving husband who desires me, cheers me, loves me and forgives me. A man who cares about my spiritual well-being as much as my physical and mental well-being. A man who cares about my being at all.

And gosh darn it, I just think he’s so handsome. That doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. And some ladies might think I’m legally insane to swoon over this rock, but he’s just so gosh-darn kissable. His humor and charm make him irresistible to many.

I’m thankful that God made such a wonderful man, a man after my own heart, to pair me with. To make a child with. To grow up and old with. I’m so very lucky to have honesty, loyalty and love in my life.

Thank you, God. I rejoice this Thanksgiving for friends, family and my forever friend and partner, Guy. :*

Heaven and Earth

In heaven and earth
Nothing to be done
Now that you’re gone
No battles to be won

Living this life
Kills us every day
One step closer
And time will have its way

The depth of sorrow
Is an endless tomorrow
These things cannot find fix
These emotions cannot unmix

There is no timeline
To heal this grief
Just hope for reunion
Live on that belief

Leviathan

My monsters emerge
And prey on fears
Love is submerged
Below weight of tears

Near this wreck
Be cautious with me
Might break your neck
In this dark sea

Dangerous dive
Fathoms below
Rocks alive
With phantoms unknown

Breath will fade
As we sink slowly down
But you’ll want to stay
Once my colors abound

Die with me
In this still deep
Let these demons be
And have their sleep