Halloween

I know it’s over 2 months away, but I found this old picture from film photography class.

halloween.JPG

And I just love it. Love the contrast and blurry flower urn background.

Here’s a spooky collage for all you costume-wearing, scary-loving weirdos!

halloween collage.jpg


Here’s a weird dream to boot.

I have a recurring dream–(no, not the “I’m in a store and I’m naked and I need clothes, but I don’t have any money” dream)

The house I’m living in is sinking. The foundation is giving way. Everything is all crooked. I’m usually in the kitchen.

The key to fixing the problem, which is usually a floor that is so slanted you cannot stand or walk, is to find a secret room that is desperately in need of repair. (No, I get it. Believe me.)

We tear down the secret room and find out we have all this extra space. (No, really. I get it.)

Don’t think you have to be a therapist to figure this one out. The secret room is in my brain and if I just tear down all the junky old stuff? I can make room for new relationships and new materials and new, safe, secure building blocks for a solid life.

It’s not a nightmare, just gives me this really uneasy feeling, unsettled, anxious, like I have to fix the problem immediately. Having a house where the foundation is crumbling leaves me feeling very nervous, worried.

But I’m tired of living with everything off kilter. :/


Plus. Here’s a ghost story. Spooky! Footsteps on the Stairs

What are you wearing for Halloween?? Got any juicy ghost stories you want to share on my blog? I’ll host your ghost post on my site!

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Dappled

We went out to look at the partial eclipse just an hour ago. Picked Lilli up from school and headed over to the library.

They had the special glasses to look directly at the sun. It was mildly interesting. Nothing to blog about. BUT! this part was cool.

dappled

And here’s another one.

dappling.jpg

Yes, those are palm tree frond shadows. And the dappling inside the palm fronds? Small crescent-shaped sun-moons–partially-eclipsed miniature suns. Cool!

Hope everyone enjoyed the eclipse. My Missouri friends were undoubtedly in line with the total eclipse! What time was your totality, Missouri?? Did you watch? Celebrate? Take pix? Burn out your retinas?

The lighting got weird here. Shadows were crispy sharp and everything seemed like it was just a weird shade of bright. Like white instead of yellow. Like God flipped on the overhead fluorescent. LOL

In honor of the eclipse today–> Literal Lyrics of Total Eclipse of the Heart and this–> Da-Doo!

Wild Kingdom

Anyone remember Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins? Well Mutual of Omaha sponsored our beach day yesterday! Saw all kinds of wildlife.

At 8:06, I was in the parking lot, ready to ride my bike. Rode 1.1 miles to the city beach, took some pix and headed back. Made it home by 8:40. So I went 2.2 miles in approx. 30 mins. I stopped for a short break on a bench. So I have already upped my game! It took me twice as long last time. Woot! So that’s like 4 miles an hour-ish.

Woke everyone up when I got back, then we headed to the beach. Water was clear and deep! The shore was up a few feet and the drop-off was steep. It’s nice because you can stay close to shore, but stand up just a few feet from the waterline. Very relaxing. The temp of the water was cool and the sun shining down was warm!

We toed around for shells. We bobbed around in the very mild waves. It hasn’t been that calm until yesterday. We giggled and relaxed. We goofed and joked around. It was amazing.

Then! We saw a freaking manatee! Sea cow! Whatever you call them. They are adorable!!! Squee!

I haven’t seen any large fish or mammals that close to shore yet. I think because the water was so deep and all the tourists have gone, we are seeing more marine life. It was unbelievable! Every time I don’t take my camera, I see something remarkable.

So, we were just sort of wading and swimming around, just a few feet from shore, and two people who were walking up and down the beach came briskly back to our position.

“There’s a manatee!” the woman shouted.

“Stay where you are, they are very docile! He’ll come right to you.” the man called.

My mouth was hanging open and I could only utter, “No way!”

All I said after that for a few minutes as the manatee passed by was, “Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh.” I wanted to cry.

The water wasn’t clear enough to see the manatee just a few feet from us, but we saw his/her shadow. He wasn’t very big, but he was big. I’ve seen a full-size adult manatee and they’re about the size of a small car. This one was slightly smaller. But still. BIG! He was probably Manatee Jr. I tried to dive and watch him pass, but the water was just a bit too cloudy.

I wanted to jump on his back and hug the stuffings out of him, but I restrained myself. I wasn’t sure if I should get up by him, so I stayed back. It was hard to stay still. He was within 6 feet. EEEE! But I decided NOT to molest this harmless sea creature.

He didn’t breach by us, I wish he had, but he breached for air just a few yards away and we saw his cute, little brown snout and tail. I was stunned.

Then we saw a few rays leaping out of the water. Again, stunning! Then my husband saw a black snake on the way back to the apartment.

For those of you who didn’t read, I saw a bobcat the other morning on the same path. Dangerous little walkway that is! We were on safari yesterday! lol

Lots of little fish in the water as well. Darting around us. Plus, I want to go at night sometime because we have sea turtles on our beach. I wouldn’t touch them, disturb them or bother them, but I would love to see them.

This is a very cool place. Hope we see another manatee sometime soon. They are so majestic, magnificent, marvelous! But does that mean a shark could come that close to shore? YIKES!!


If you just relax and let the world come to you, you will see amazing things.

Get me out of here.

tina in cabinet

Why am I in the cabinet? LOL

1974. I am willingly sitting in the cabinet. Under the stove, from the looks of it. I think this is where the Cheetos were kept.

This is my favorite place to sit. Hide. Eat. Play.

Some days I wish I could go back there and shut the door.

How could anyone be mean to little ol’ Me?


Plastic lids and drooling kids.
Baby blues and blondie ‘dos.
Slack-jawed, already flawed.
Only 1 year. How’d I get here?
Shut the door, please!

Eating Popsicles in the Bathtub

Eat your treat in the tub, please.
That should make clean-up a breeze.

It’s okay if your pop drips.
It’s okay if you’ve got messy lips.

You’ve chewed the flavor clear to the stick!
Splinters on the tongue if you take one more lick.

Just don’t leave your wooden handle
On top of my aromatherapy candle.


Old pic of Lilli-2009. Another shot for film photography class. Love this shot. Candid. And I like the composition as well. It’s a bit washed out, but I don’t mind. πŸ™‚ I like the contrast of the dark shower wall and her dark features with the bright, white tub and curtain.

Tough Love

I hate being the Mom. Being the Mom sucks sometimes.

I love being the Friend. The Goof. The Lollipop Fairy. The Boo-boo Kisser. The Cheerleader. The Philosophy Teacher. But I hate being the Mom.

The Mom–defined as the Law Giver. The Layer Down of the Law. The Disciplinarian. The New Sheriff In Town. The Obliterator of Fun. The Queen of Rules.

When my child comes to me and has a problem, my first inclination is to care for her emotions. Natch. But when the behavior continues without benefit from a pep talk or correction, I have to buckle up and hunker down.

My child is an easy one. She’s open to correction, soft-hearted, fair-minded, vulnerable, caring and intentional. Except when she’s not.

And when she’s not? I’m at a loss.

Lately, she’s been resisting change and challenge. This is a normal sign of teenage growing pains. Right? The urge to resemble a couch. I should know, I was a teenager and very much resembled our living room sofa.

She’s almost 14 and showing all the signs of impending, hard-core teen-tric lethargy. It’s concerning. I’m worried about her slipping off into depression if we don’t combat her lack of motivation.

That was my problem. That is a problem of teens, IMO. My freshman year was my most vulnerable. I tried to commit suicide my freshman year because I felt so isolated. Living by rules, wanting independence. On the cusp of adulthood, but still a child. Wanting total acceptance from EVERYONE, including your parents, NO MATTER WHAT!

These unrealistic desires could make any person frustrated, confused and DEPRESSED! Not to mention dealing with complex societal and peer group issues with a not-fully-matured frontal lobe. Suffering from inexperience, lack of impulse and emotional control, and hormonal imbalance.

With my mental illness history, I feel justified in being, at the very least, concerned. And she herself said, without prompt from me, “I’m unmotivated.” That’s awesome self-reflection and honesty. Great sign for us as we tackle her dissatisfaction.

Honestly, she has no reason to be dissatisfied. She has a nice, cozy home. Food to eat. Clothes (nice clothes) on her back and a good school. She has all the conveniences of modern society. I take her to school and pick her up. I am here for her in the morning and when she gets home. She is emotionally supported. And by Dad as well. But dissatisfaction is lying just under the covers of her more-than-adequate, queen-sized, Princess-and-the-Pea mattress.

Why?

It also doesn’t seem to matter that I remind her of her blessings. Put her life into perspective, in sharp contrast to those who have very little and have no opportunity to receive an education or are shot trying to get one. That has no lasting effect. I realize in my attempt to give her the finer things, I have denied her appreciation and gratitude.

We as a society are suffering from the same plight. Teenage apathy. Things are so nice that we forget how lucky we are. We are so dissatisfied after achieving some degree of success that we have to buy a therapist to figure out why. I’ve realized this, but my daughter hasn’t achieved any level of enlightenment in regard to privilege. And even so, do we act any differently? Or do we still chase those materialistic dreams of apparent success?

In my own life, I have accepted the ups and downs of luxury and deprivation. Some days you will suffer and at other times you will have plenty. Days with money aren’t stress free. You have to manage that money. No one has a money tree in their backyard. Any amount of money requires management. It helps when there’s enough to manage. I will say that’s less stressful. But having enough is only slightly less nerve-racking.

I try to be thankful for whatever situation I find myself in and remind myself, no matter what, you’re still breathing. It helps when you’ve been near death to frame life in this way. But I don’t want my daughter to experience what I have to know her place and value and blessing. I want to spare her that. But am I denying her an education in the lesson of life if I try to shield her from any pain or suffering? I’m not sure.

Last night, I showed her frustration on my part. I tried to be soft and kind, but I also let her know how frustrated I was. We try to be honest about our feelings. I let her know, “I’m trying here.” This was in response to her growing dissatisfaction with home, school, life in general. I could tell she was checking out. I could tell she was uncomfortable and uneasy. And she was. We are pretty in tune. Our whole family tends to wear our hearts..well, all over the outside, not just on the sleeve! LOL

I let her know, I’m trying to encourage. Prepare. Provide help-physical and mental. Shop for school supplies. Walk her into the office to learn about lockers. Pick up and drop off. Attend back-to-school nights. Be here physically while she’s adjusting. Help with homework. Communicate. Ask questions. Love. Listen. Linger. Snuggle up at night and let our hair down. Let go of the reins, at times. But doing all the right things doesn’t always leave her happy, well-adjusted or satisfied. That’s tough.

My happy, joyful, outgoing daughter has turned into the occasional emotional lump of tears. That makes me anxious, nervous, concerned. Frustrated.

I don’t want to guilt her. But I’m beginning to understand the power of wielding this device judiciously. Ugh. I hate that. But. A little frustration and letting her know how exasperated I might be? May be the only medicine. And it’s a jagged pill for her to swallow. But it’s also a tough pill to administer. You know the old saying, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” Now I understand. Except my parents said that about spanking, not tough emotional love. LOL

Sometimes you wanna scoop your kids up. But sometimes scooping doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to be tough and show them, you got it pretty good, Kid. Appreciate it.

*Old man voice* “Back in my day, we rode a cow to school! And we liked it! Thankful to have a cow! And a school! And a butt made for cow-riding!”


NOTE: I did not ride a cow to school. But my mom did. LOL πŸ™‚


What I really want for her is to know God deeply. To rely on him. What I really want is to see her help and work hard and get dirty in the business of God service. I’m hoping after graduation, she and I could find an outreach to really help people. Maybe even overseas. But that scares me. Mission work. Would I be endangering her life with illness or violence?

The Bible says:
Romans 14:8
“for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.”

I have to trust that God will protect us if we are about his business. He has plans to prosper, not hurt. But she has to decide what’s right for her. I trust her in that. That is a good feeling! And I know, I never want to be separate from her. That much I know.

And I want her to decide what’s best. Not become what Mom wants, not just do what Mom says. I just want to be a good mom and support her in whatever she does, wherever she goes, whatever decisions she makes. She may want to be a full-blown NYC artist or LA Nintendo character designer or international aid worker. Or Floridian housewife. πŸ™‚ Whatever she does, she will change the world, offer kindness and show God through her spirit. That much I know.

I’m waiting patiently for her to make a decision about where she wants to go after school. It’s still 4 years away. Who knows where life will take us. Who knows what she will want in 4 years or what opportunities she will have. We have to be stable for the next 4 years to get to where God will have us. I think she deserves a 4-year period of stability to get through high school. To prepare her. To ride out this rough patch of frontal lobe and heart development! LOL

I’m ready for anything though. So is she. She has such a willing heart at times. She’s up for adventure, as I am, when we have each other to be brave. She’s my best friend. It took courage to get to Florida. Who knows what God wants for your life until you’re knee-deep in it, right?

After our come-to-Jesus moment last night, she had a pretty good morning. Praying that she has a great day. I pray that every day. But this morning I cringed at the thought of tough love after I dropped her off. But sometimes, it’s required.

Les is More

More from Present Tense, Vol. 2


Les. His name is Les–in bright, white, shiny-stitched letters on a red oval just over the pocket. Dark gray uniform.
Mr. Les. Our elementary school janitor/maintenance man.

Les has a smiling face even when his lips may not be turned. His eyes are perpetually up/happy/sweet/youthful. Light blue, effervescent, smiling icicle eyes. Mr. Les takes our tickets at lunch. He takes our tickets and gives out winks and smiles.
He pinches the small carnival ticket between his thumb and the fleshy lower section of his curled up index finger. He does this with kindness, gentility and ease; as if he’s softly
offering his hand to a nervous dog.
His job does not diminish him in spirit or in body. He energetically does his tasks even
though his perfectly white hair reveals his age. And his pride does not grimace at the simplest/basest of tasks. He sprinkles magic janitor dust on vomit, pee and all manner of stains. Dutifully.
He is friendly to all. He is especially nice to me. I respect him. I have no reason not to. His humility and warmth are rare. He is decent. He is tender.
He is an uncommon man. Hero.
The air is crisp. The wind is swift. He carries me from the playground when I twist my ankle and can’t walk. He carries me all the way to the healthroom. I’m at least 100 lbs.

The air is warm. The wind is still. He puts his arm around me, pats my back, reassures me that I am loved and respected when a girl threatens my friends and me at recess. “We’re going to miss you around here when you leave.” Tears.


I love you, Mr. Les. I don’t know where you are, or if you’re even still here, but you were/are a good man. And you made this child happier. Thank you.

The Carousel

For my daughter. She just started high school and it’s a bit overwhelming. She’s doing great, but it’s a little scary.

The picture above is her at the KC Zoo, having fun on the carousel. She was 6. Shot with a Nikon, 35 mm, manual. It was a fun day.


Hold on tight, dear.
Don’t let go.
The carousel twirls faster
The more you know.

Life goes by
In a furious blur.
But it’s oh-so thrilling,
Full of adventure.

Up and down.
Always turning.
Moving forward.
Always learning.

You might get sick.
You might lose your head.
You might just love it.
Turn the world around instead.

Don’t be scared, Darling.
You have to be strong.
You’re not alone.
Mom’s here all along.

So throw your hair back
And laugh at the ride.
Have fun on the carousel.
Don’t leave it untried.


Proud of you, Honey. You’re so special. One of a kind. Brilliant, beautiful and bound for glory! Don’t settle for less, always challenge yourself. Don’t worry about what people wear, say or think. You belong to God. Your value comes from him.

And always ask for help! We’re here for you. Your teachers, counselors and parents. It’s normal to feel anxious, everybody does!! πŸ™‚

Movement!

tips for lb loss^These are bad tips! Do not follow! LOL


Lost another 2 pounds. So I am 317.6!! I hate to say I’m fighting for every pound now, but I am. I’ve been stuck for several weeks. But I have to be honest with myself. I’m eating not so great.

Whenever I eat protein, it can have a tendency to tear my gut up. So I have backed away from the amount of protein I should be eating. I need to revert to protein-eating and whole foods.

It’s hard. I become complacent. I don’t always eat when I should, eat often enough or in the amounts that I should. Mostly, I have to eat small amounts because I can’t have large portions. But sometimes I would rather feel a little fuller and go longer without food than have to eat every 2 hours. I wouldn’t say I get hungry either. I get cravings. A hankerin’ for some food taste. I don’t get physically hungry any more. It’s weird!

But how often does a person actually feel hungry in a day? Like, actually hungry? Or do you just want savory flavors in your food hole?

I would be snacking all day if I ate a bite and nothing else. But that’s how I should be eating.

Eating 3 squares a day is what we all know. It’s what we all are accustomed to. It’s what we have time for! Our whole days are structured around breakfast, lunch, dinner. Right?

It’s hard to change. Hard to accept the change in thinking. It’s like quitting smoking and wondering what to do with your coffee break! LOL

Today, in an effort to change and stimulate my body and think outside the lunch box–I am eating whole foods. Edamame, cherries, apple, cup of coffee. No solid protein, just alternative protein like yogurt and fibrous protein-packed veg. No treats. No gummy bears, no low-fat/low-sugar candies, no chips, no cheese, no soda, no juice, no calorie drinks, no sugar. Except for whole-food fruits. I’m not even supposed to have that, but come on. Roasted veggies sound good. Baby organic carrots in the oven? Mmmm. Roasted-soft garlic? Yassss! It will, at least, keep the skeeters away. ;D

 

Schpider!

spiderDon’t look, Dad!
It’s a terrible sight!
If you can’t see him,
It’ll save you a fright.

I’ll protect you.
Don’t worry now.
I can tame spiders.
Mom taught me how.


Lilli and Dad at the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art in 2009. She was 6. We were being goofy and I thought this would be a funny picture for my black and white film photography class.