Deep breath. Go ahead. Laugh. Giggle. Look away. Throw up in your mouth a little. It’s okay. I get it. This is a very crazy picture. But I’m posting for myself. This is the most courageous, the bravest thing I have ever done and I know I’m being open, vulnerable and some would say reckless by posting this on the Internets. But–I have to post this. I know the people who love me will not misuse or harass me. And those who don’t love me, I couldn’t really give two sh!ts about what they think. So. THIS is the before pic. I covered all the bikini parts.
Today, I am 435 lbs. Almost 2 weeks ago, I was over 455. I wanted to take a pic before I lost any more weight. I’ve been on a high-protein diet and dropped about 20 lbs. very quickly. I’ve been here before. I was down to 412 on my own, but then my thyroid went full-on kamikaze and blew up with cancer. I gained back about 40 of the 100 lbs. I lost before my thyroidectomy. (I started at about 513 when I entered the hospital in 2012 for heart failure. See full health journey here.)
There is shame in that. I’ve wallowed in shame most of my life in big amounts and small amounts. For things inside of my control, and out. I don’t like this feeling of shame all the time. I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds and suffered with hypothyroidism for years. What I would like? To cast off that shame once and for all by doing things that scare me, doing things that take guts. Proverbial guts. 🙂
Honestly, I posted this pic with all its flaws in full-out authenticity to the world and to myself (this photo has only been cropped) to show what I look like. When we see before pics, this is what we want to see, right? How bad was it? How big was that gut? How flabby were those arms?? Well, there’s no hiding in this photo. This is me. This is real.
This is 43 years of tragedy, abuse, obesity, bullying, birth-giving, overeating, thyroid-cancer-having, heart-clogging, sleep-apnea snoring. (Those saggy boobs fed a human being.) But this is also 43 years of never giving up on trying to level up and be the best possible person I can be. Never giving up on losing weight. Never giving up on being healthy! NeverEVER giving up on my dreams. I am the strongest person you’ll ever know and the fattest person you might ever see in their skivvies. Take a good, long look. I dare ya. If you look close enough?
You’ll see an excited smile for what’s about to come. My weight loss surgery is going to change my life. I’m ready for born-again salvation and transcendence in the celebration of new body and new mind. Deep breath!