Confessions of a Hungry Mind

I am at 410.2 lbs.

Since I entered the hospital in August of 2012 at 513 pounds, I have lost 103 pounds!!! That is astonishing! I was at a lethal weight and classified as super morbidly obese. I’m so glad to shed that baggage and move forward. Phew. I got a skinny girl off my back!

On the gallbladder front, I bitched and moaned enough (went to the ER twice!) that they are going to perform an EGD (stomach scope) and remove my gallbladder at the same time next Thursday. Also phew.

I’m a little nervous about gallbladder surgery, but looking forward to less pain! Everyone says it’s easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. Alot of gallbladder victims out there. Fortunately, humans don’t seem to need it. And I read an article that said alot of other animals don’t have a gallbladder.

Did you know your GB stores about a cup of bile every night? Mmmm, so hungry now. If you saw a cup of bile sitting on the counter, what would you do? I would immediately throw up. BUT! Bile helps you digest fats and other foods. So, after surgery, with no more GB? Low-fat diet. On top of my other weight loss surgery post-op food requirements! I can basically have…not alot. Protein shake anyone? Sigh.

After a few weeks, after GB removal, they said 90% of people go back to their normal diet. So that’s good. I’m basically in pain every time I eat now, I only eat about an ounce of food at each meal. That’s okay! I’m learning to be satisfied and restrict myself so I’m not doubled over in pain with gallbladder seizures! I feel very weak, but I’m not exercising, so…whatever. Just, on with the show! I’m still losing at the rate they want me to, so no worries.

I think I’m in so much pain because those gallstones take up the space where your bile would be stored and I don’t have enough bile to begin with. So it makes eating painful and difficult. Without bile, stomach cramps and immediate bathroom needs are frequent symptoms. These are just my supposings. Again, I’m not a doctor. Not a medical doctor anyway. They do call me Dr. Hotstuff from time to time.

No. They don’t. My husband does. No. He doesn’t. I call myself that when I’m alone in the bathroom after every meal. LOL

Cheers to weight loss!

Why the dress? The dress above is my dream dress for remarrying my sweetie, 20-year vow renewal in 2 years. Maybe in Vegas? By Elvis? Good to have goals!

Also-I made veggie lasagna the other night. Really good. Smashed up cauliflower and broccoli with melted Italian cheese and pepperoni on top. Pizza sauce in the middle. I had just a small portion. Really liked it. Put some ricotta cheese in there. No noodles. Didn’t hurt my tummy. When I make it again, I’ll take a pic and post the recipe. Basically, any good lasagna recipe but no noodles and sub in veg. Family loved it too.

Just thought I’d share the last few days since I’ve been quiet. Ta!

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Hangry

Hi. I’m Martha Maggio and I have problems.

Today is the day. I see the doctor one last time before WLS (in two weeks) and I won’t eat normal food for about 1-2 months. I’m already hungrier than I’ve ever been.

I started the liquid diet last Monday and it did not go well. I was tempted many times and had already resolved to eat on Thanksgiving. By Sunday, I had at least lost a few pounds, but I was still eating solid foods about once a day.

I didn’t have to start the diet last week, but I knew I needed to ease into this process. No more excuses. I have to start today. I have not eaten anything so far and I feel sad. Really sad. Tired. Really tired. And hungry. Really hungry. Hangry even. My life without food so far is pretty dismal. There is nothing to look forward to and there is nothing to celebrate. I don’t know who I am without food.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I could DO a million things but when you’re an addict, the most interesting thing to do when you can’t have your fix is to think about having it. At least for me.


If I was eating…what would I eat?
What is she eating??
I wonder what that tastes like?
I bet they’re enjoying that.


It’s kinda sick. It’s torture. It’s the next best thing to eating-thinking about eating. But IT could be sex, drinking, getting high, working out, overworking, shopping, gambling, lying. What’s your sweet torture?

Every time I want to eat I think about this though-I give my liver a voice. That’s the reason I’m on this liquid diet to begin with. It’s a liver-reduction diet so the doctor can get to that big ol’ stomach underneath my big ol’ fatty liver. My liver’s voice is this, “You can’t have anything that will hurt me, Martha. Not alcohol, not fats, not sugar, not anything that I can’t handle. Gimme a break. Don’t make it hard on the doc.” (Watch Sugar Coated and you’ll see what happens to your liver when you have too much bad stuff! I call it “the liver quivers”.) I’ve even given my liver a name, Oliver. Har. Okay, Ollie, I won’t hurt you.

I want this surgery. And I don’t want to make it more difficult for the surgeon. I want a swanky, svelte liver so he can get at my stomach. I’ve heard horror stories about being cut open and being refused stomach surgery because of the inability to get to the stomach. So all of the dieting and cutting and none of the benefits!

Oh my friggin’ Lord God in heaven, no! Nightmare! Please, God, no!

I know they don’t tell me to do these things to punish me. They want me to be successful. So, as much as I want to have that leftover slice of Prime Cut Minsky’s pizza in the fridge, I won’t. I can taste the bacon and cheese. The cold, greasy triangle of love. The spice of the sauce. The satisfying chew. The hard swallow followed by a cold soda or glass of milk.

Eating is my favorite thing in the world and I have to learn to live without it. Today is the day.