Crazy White Lady

I am a middle-aged white woman who has every advantage a person could have. I was born in America. I’m white. I’ve never hungered a day in my life. In fact, I was super morbidly obese for 10 years of my life. Just morbidly obese for the other 35.

I’ve never been so poor that I couldn’t buy food. Only one day did I wonder about dinner. No food. No paycheck. And the long weekend to make it to money. And even at that low point, my husband went to our local food pantry and got enough to fix dinner for a few days. A friendly, benevolent nun gave us pasta and sauce. Humiliating as that was, we ate dinner with our school-age daughter. And we were so very thankful. We were full on grace.

I’ve been struggling this week. Last Friday, I was accepted for a mission trip to Israel. I rejoiced at being chosen, but immediately became worried after the joy subsided. I would have to raise the money for my trip.

I’ve never been good about asking others for money. I struggled with paying my medical bills, but hesitated in asking others outside of my family for help. So crowdfunding made me squeamish, but missions are something that I’ve wanted to do since I was 16. Go to another part of the world and help those in need.

I know you might say, “Martha, we have need in this country.” And I would say yes. But we also have overweight poor people. The need in this country is real. But even our poor people live better than most in other parts of the world. Even our poor people are among the 1 percent. THAT’s the truth. Being poor in America doesn’t automatically mean death. Being poor in other countries can mean starvation. Being poor can mean a violent or untimely death.

I need to raise ~$3500. The supplies for this trip are already provided for, but I need to get myself there, to help. But first, by Monday, I need to raise $500 to reserve my spot. GAiN is supporting me and encouraging me to keep trying, they want and need me there. I can serve in so many ways on this trip. But I need that $500 to reserve my travel. If I don’t have it, this journey ends here.

At 4:10 am, Tuesday morning, just this past week, I woke up in a NyQuil/Benadryl-induced fog because I’ve been very sick. Trying to write, work and raise money for a trip has been tricky. At 4:10 am, I didn’t want to be awake, but my eyes popped open. And a realization washed over me. It was God’s voice because there’s no way that I would have this thought.

God, carefully pulling me close, grasping my attention and pajama collars, whispered softly into my stinging eyes, “Martha. You’ve been worried. Terrified. About money. You don’t know how you will provide for this trip halfway around the world. You’re scared. You feel alone. You feel forgotten. Forsaken. You’ve only experienced that for a few days. NOW, my dear child, you have some small understanding of what these people I want you to care about face every single day of their lives.”

And I fell back into my dreamy, warm covers. Broken and blown away.

I can’t tell you why this crazy white lady wants to go to the Holy Land. I can’t justify it. Other than to say, I’m following God’s heart. And that plane is going with or without me.

If this trip dies here, it dies here. I don’t want it to though.

God, if you want it to happen, you will provide. I know that. Thank you for opening my tired, sick American eyes, at the very least. I’m going to run after you, every chance I get.


Please consider giving. GAiN for Martha Maggio. There’s more info about my trip and who we’ll be serving. If every one of my followers gave even $1, I could meet my immediate goal. Thanks!

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Gimme My Money!

What do you do if someone owes you money?


I loaned someone money and they said they would pay me back as soon as they got their check. Well, they never did. That was over a year ago.

At the time, we had plenty of money and I let the debt go. I figured they didn’t have it, needed more time, or simply forgot. I also figured, they would remember and catch me when it was a better time. Should it stay forgotten?

This person is forgetful, scatter-brained and usually busy in their own small world. Consumed with personal thoughts and easily distracted. Do I ask for the money, offer a reminder, or let it go?

This person just received a sum of money and I’m currently in need. (Feel free to donate to my trip fund for my upcoming mission trip if you have any extra income. LOL) Is it petty to ask for the money now?

How would you handle, or how have you handled, situations like this in the past? Would love to hear your comments for my readers! Even my daughter said she would be interested in the answers because she has been offering commissions and people sometimes forget to pay!

I hate talking about money!!! LOL

Pee! The world’s on fire.

My only brother, 11 years older than me, used to sleep in late. As teens do. After being out late with his friends, he would sleep late. Also, at one point, I think he worked evenings or nights at a local gas station, so he might have been sleeping during the day for that reason.

Well, my father creeps into the hallway with an impish grin. He was in a goofy, manic phase and holds down the smoke detector test button.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Except, our alarm was louder and more terrifying. Enough to make you piss your pants.

At the same time, my dad hollers down the hallway, “Pee! The world’s on fire!” Laughing his country-ass off. (One of his favorite sayings was, “I work my country ass off!” I still say that. So does my husband. LOL My husband does a perfect impersonation of my father, even though they never met, mainly because I say it exactly the way my dad used to. Love it.)

My brother comes running out of his bedroom, his long, usually-perfect, feathered hair tousled from sleep and his eyes barely open. His eyes quickly narrow even further at the sight of my dad and the rest of the family giggling maniacally.

He did not pee. He was pissed though! I think my dad just wanted him up and out!

Good times.

Coff-tastrophe

I recently bought a new coffee maker because I recently fell in love with coffee. 🙂 Before the age of 45, I never liked coffee. Then I met Starbucks’ Carmel Macchiato. Hello, Lover.


I was spending at least $2 for a cup of coffee every coupla days. That seems too expensive, even for a working adult. So I bought a drip coffee maker after doing some research.

I wanted a Keurig, but my husband was concerned about price and waste from the K-cups. Someone told me about the reusable pods, but the price was still too high for a machine. Oh well.

After price comparison and reviews, we decided to buy a Black and Decker drip coffee maker. Only ~$20. It’s great! As long as you don’t forget the snap-in diffuser (or whatever it’s called). LOL

Well, I forgot to snap in the diffuser this morning and I had coffee all over my new coffee bar! LOL

coffee bar
New coffee bar at our new apartment in Venice! Before the massive coffee lava blow and flow. LOL

The water backed up and spilled out, along with coffee grounds and sadness. Needless to say, I will never forget the diffuser again. Sigh. Never. At least it was just water and coffee to clean up. Coffee is probably a good cleaner? Maybe not. I know it cleans my insides out. 😀

We purchased Starbucks dark roast espresso whole beans and grind them ourselves using our small shake blender. The blender does an adequate job and the brew is strong and tasty. Not bad for a cheap drip machine! Tastes good with milk and Splenda. Coffee catastrophe curtailed!


The worst time to crave coffee is 9 pm at night. Why is this happening?

Stars

The beginning of an old short story from my 20s. Never finished. But I still like some of the ideas. Simply archiving! It’s so old it was hand-written! lol


She lingered in the plush blades of grass that curled around her plump toes. Standing in her nighgown, she wondered at the evening sky. Arms limp. Relaxed jaw. Deep breath. The young woman found two particular stars completely interesting.

One of the heavenly bodies shivered incessantly on the deep, cold black expanse that marked the top half of the sky, flickering in and out of consciousness. Then, the other was nestled in the warmth of its own glow. White and constant, it shone brightly in the plum ether that split the black sky from the earth.

The two suns were seemingly inches apart, but in reality, worlds away from one another. Not unlike she and her husband. She shivered as she woke from her meditative trance.

Michael called from the porch. “Sara, come in now.”

As she crossed the threshold of their sterile country home, Michael asserted, “You’ll catch cold.” Michael threw a blanket around her shoulders.

“Thanks.” Sara managed a smile without looking into his eyes.

Silently, they climbed to their bedroom. Upstairs, in their average, comfortable bed, Michael slept as Sara laid awake, remembering the stars.

Most of the time, she felt like the weaker star. Finding it difficult to shine all the time. It was hard to summon light within herself. She felt the encompassing darkness surrounding her. Enveloping her. Swallowing her. Drinking in her life. Sara viewed herself as a fool because she had no control over the dark. It would creep into her mind and she assumed that she allowed that. It rose and set like the moon, involuntarily. Unstoppable. Phasing like a dead planet composed of ash.


Not bad for a 20-something? When the internet did not exist. LOL

Fool

Feeling like a fool because I cannot control
The dull, shaking razor I hold to my soul

Standing above the overflowing sink
I wipe the steamed mirror as I hold on the brink

Cut the hair, but not the skin
Hold back blood and shave on a grin

Smiles are money that buy you a life
But honesty is the sharpened knife

You may die quick, but you’ll die free
I’d rather go now than fake what I’ll be

The only thing that slips away
Is the person you thought you had to play

Kill that, Darling. Twist the blade.
You will only sleep in the bed you’ve made.

Be your own person. Live your own choice.
Write your name in the fog and raise that cutting voice.

Love Letter

A note I wrote  my hubby for our anniversary a few years ago (sensual, not sexual):

To Guy:

I love to touch you in the morning
Our bodies soft and warm from the blankets
I run my fingers over your chest and jaw
I stare at your round, red lips
You are beautiful
I am so thankful for your body and heart
Which save me over and over from desperate loneliness and desire
I love you
You are special
Thank you for saving me
I thank God your mine
Happy Anniversary #16

Love, Martha


I am lucky to have known love so completely. Unconditionally. So faithfully. I don’t take it for granted. Coming up on 20 years!


If I were to live a thousand years,
I would belong to you for all of them.
If I were to live a thousand lives,
I would want to make you mine in each one.

–Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dye

Model Behavior

gangly legs dangle
hanging at strange angles
new-fangled angels
spangled and strangled
littered with bangles
privileged with physical advantage
yet starving for life without baggage
damaged and ravaged
mangled and managed
with makeshift bandages
wrangle your courage
disentangle this bondage
dissolve this marriage
to branded, handled beauty

Your Face Here

Your face goes here.
Doing what you fear.
Healing an injured ear.
Wiping every tear.
Making the most of years.
Keeping faith near.
Sweeping the path clear.
Changing this whole sphere.
Shouting for the back to hear.
Ready for God to appear.

Your face goes here.

martha jesus


Galatians 2:20 NIV

20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me…