work in progress

No penny I wouldn’t save
No journey I wouldn’t brave
No word left unsaid
A million tears I would shed
For your glory

No story I wouldn’t tell
Rain fire from war-torn hell
Allow me to burn
No lesson unlearned
To bring your peace

Pieces of heart
Start over with smart
Put evil away
Take out patience today
Live it all for love

Life is too hard
To avoid getting scarred
Bind these cuts
Give me guts
Sturdy my back for the fight

Right this soldier’s wrongs
Shoulder my burden with songs
Dive deep in my chest
Battle my demons to rest
Rock me down to sleep

Weep for the child I was
Made offerings for broken laws
Gave up my life
Extracted truth with a knife
Found your bright words in the night

Carved out all the cancer
Heard your sweet voice in an answer
Love is the key
Grace on your knees

Finish your work in me, please.

Advertisements

What Is It To Be a Woman?

Men will never know
The painful joy of giving birth.
Thank God for that providence
Or we would have an empty Earth!

Men will always know
The advantage of being male.
They can’t understand
The privilege of that tale.

Men will never know
What it’s like to be preyed.
Simply take my “No.”
We live constantly afraid.

Men will never know
What it’s like to FEEL free.
I feel sorry for them.
They can’t be a woman like me.

Day Without a Woman

A day without a woman
Is a lifetime without:
Soft edges
Warm smiles
Tender kisses
Multi-tasking
Reason married to wit.

A day without women
Is a world without:
2nd income
Only income
Only parent
Teachers
Nurses
Presidents
Pastors
Mothers
Wives
Daughters
Family
Students
Leaders
Care
Lawful, peaceful resistance and protest.

We gather to make a difference.
We don’t loot. Or grab. Or lie.
Like Elizabeth and Maya,
We persist and rise!

#neverthelessshepersisted

#daywithoutawoman

#daywithoutwomen

Progress

I’m not ready for Bikini Beach, but I’ve made some progress. I can see small differences. You’ll notice the surgery scars on my stomach now. But they are healing nicely. I may never be ready for Bikini Beach, but I can visit One-Piece with a Cover-Up Bay down the road. πŸ˜‰

So, I’ve lost approximately 80 lbs. since Thanksgiving 2016. That’s been about 3 months. I feel better finally after both surgeries, weight loss and gallbladder removal. I have more energy! I think I’m fully recovered at this point. Healed and getting healthy. My diseased organs are out and I’m losing pounds (less rapidly, but still losing)! Current weight=375.4.

I walked up 2 flights of stairs the other night! More like dragged myself up to the 3rd floor, but. For you fitness fans, that might not sound like a lot, but to me, it’s an accomplishment. I can workout at the gym, but stairs just kill me. That’s a lot of gravity to overcome! I prefer weight lifting, gym-wise, but lifting my legs one stair at a time does not qualify in my book. πŸ™‚ It certainly WAS intense cardio to do the stairs though. Even for a few minutes.

Our elevator was broken, so I either decide to move into the lobby, or I climb to the 3rd floor to sit down. The lobby doesn’t have a kitchenette or bathroom, so…

3 months ago, I don’t think I could have made it. Honestly. So that feels good. I was out of breath, but I made it.

So, since August 2012, I’ve lost a total of 138 lbs. That feels like something. A move toward something positive. Some days I feel great, some days I still have a wobbly tummy, but overall, I feel better. That’s something.

132 lbs. Is a Whole Skinny Girl.

For 3 days straight, I’ve been carefully tracking my calories and paying more attention to my habits. I have been hovering for weeks. At the beginning of February, I was around 390. So it’s taken me around 3 weeks to lose about 10 lbs. If you’re a normal person who hasn’t had weight loss surgery, that would be damn good. But I’ve had weight loss surgery. So.

I’ve been up and down a pound or two for weeks, up 1, down 2. I am back down to 380.4. That’s only a 0.2 lb loss from Valentine’s Day. But, I am aiming for consistency and discipline at this point. And I think I’ll see that scale move soon.

I am keeping my calories low. Back to using myfitnesspal.com. Under 1200 calories per day (doctor said most people are getting around 1,000 calories per day at this stage). Trying to mix it up with what I eat, when and how much. Even the doctor said, “Don’t eat the same things every day.”

Dr. Tim said I was doing good. He also let me know, anyone who has stress or sickness during the first 2 months after surgery won’t see the high end of their goal. That’s been his experience anyway. So, having my gallbladder fail might have put me on the low end of the spectrum. According to their records, I’ve lost 45 lbs. since surgery and 70 lbs. since the start of the liver-reduction liquid diet.


Believe me, I am rejoicing in this 70+ lb loss since Thanksgiving!
I am truly giving thanks!


I had just hoped for more. That’s all. Anecdotally, some WLS patients have lost as much as 60 lbs. by the 2-month mark (time from surgery to check-in, not including liquid diet pre-op phase). Oh well! I’ll take what I got. πŸ™‚ Happily.

I feel better. That’s the main thing.

Since August 2012, I have lost 132.6 lbs. As of today. That’s a skinny mama and her toddler. Right? Thankful to have that off my back! Very appreciative.

I saw today, according to myfitnesspal.com, I only have 180 lbs. left to goal! That sounds like a bunch, but to me, that’s nothing! I’m so excited. πŸ˜€ It’s very encouraging. Almost 1/2 done. That feels great. I have a long way to go, but I’ve already accomplished almost half of my goal! That’s awesome!!! Start today and tomorrow you’ll be that much closer-right? Do it! You can do it.

Typhoid Mary-Thyroid Martha

Typhoid Mary was a woman who carried typhoid, but had no symptoms. She made countless people sick, as she was a cook, and spread the disease. However, she never became ill herself.

I felt the exact opposite for the past several months. I felt like I had every symptom in the book and no doctor could diagnose the trouble. I wasn’t making others sick, I was sick with all the things. Hence, my new name-Thyroid Martha. πŸ˜‰

However! I am feeling much better, happy to report! I no longer have constant nausea. I have more energy. My stomach is finally easing into my new diet. I’m able to eat more things. AND I went to the gym for the first time since surgery–TODAY!!! That was a big step. I only did about 20-25 mins, but hey! I went.

My weight is currently at 386.4, so I went down. I was stalled for about a week, but it’s going down again. I have lost in total since August 2012-126.6 lbs!! πŸ˜€

My husband got cast in a commercial for voice-over work and things are looking up for our family, in general. Today is a good day.

I’m 6.4 lbs away from 2-month goal, so I’m really happy. I see the doctor in 11 days, so I feel confident, I’ll hit the mark. I thought I might surpass my goal, but just meeting the doctor’s wants for my health is good enough!

I think my face looks thinner! What do u think? πŸ˜€

Swept Away

Today, I want to be swept away in God’s promise for my life. I want to be present for today. People don’t always understand my passion, thoughts or ideas. But I only have to answer to God for what I’ve done or will do.

That’s a good feeling.

The relief of not having to please anyone else is liberating. Because if I please God, what human can find fault with me? And it’s not my version of what I think God wants, it is a fulfillment of what He has said. And He said to love.

Above all, love.

Today, I will choose love. Today, I will choose positivity. Over and over.

Why’s it so hard to be nice to ourselves?

I’m pretty hard on myself.

I just had a major surgery (last Thursday) and I’m expecting miracles. I expect that I should be out of pain, off oxycodone, totally withdrawn from all pain meds and on my feet doing laundry and keeping house. In my wildest post-op fantasy, I should be holding down a job, fixing dinner every night and dressing for success all damn day. Also, adopting orphans and feeding the homeless.

When I write it down, it sounds ridiculous.

I haven’t had a job in 6 months. I’ve been sick for over 4 years. I’ve been recovering from weight loss surgery for just over a month and gallbladder removal for just under a week. I can barely hold down food at this point, let alone a job. Calm down, Mother Teresa!

I guess I’m impatient because I know how long I’ve been sick and how much I want to be better. My goal is be a productive human being again. Stop wasting time on being sick. Be a better wife, mother and human. To serve others and have purpose. To lose weight overnight and be a rockstar tomorrow. I’m ready for all the glory without any of the work, pain, time. Honestly, I want to take away the burden of a sick home from my husband and daughter. Bottom line. I feel so selfish.

Today was a success because I am almost 48 hours out from my last oxycodone pill after having taken them every day for over a month. My nausea is subsiding and I’m able to stand up straight without pain. My weight has gone back down to 399.8 and I’m doing laundry by myself. I am not exactly following my post-op diet but I am eating food that I can stomach.

I can only have a few bites at a time. I’m supposed to have nothing but protein, but when ur sick? Protein sounds awful! Chicken soup/veggie soup/broth is about the only protein I can stomach and even so, how much soup can a person handle? When you’re nauseous, ever heard of BRAT? Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. I’ve been having a small piece of toast throughout the day for a coupla days because it’s all I can keep down. I can only eat a few bites, I over-chew and it stays down. Breaking the rules, but being nice to myself. Still losing weight, of course, because I’m barely eating anything.

Important not to make a habit out of bread. Also, trying to keep liquids down. That’s the most important thing I can do right now. Stay hydrated.

Goals for today:
Drink liquids.
Eat a little.
Stay off oxy!
Do a tiny bit of laundry.

Check!

OH! And be nice to myself. Check.

As a sidenote: I wish the nurses and doctors during my recovery had mentioned the oxy-nausea thing. Instead they told me to return to a soft food diet, not “get off oxy asap!” It’s not food, it’s the drug. Pretty sure. Because what they thought was an ulcer is now almost assuredly a side effect of the oxy. Glad they listened to me finally, took out my gallbladder and saw through the EGD that I did not have an ulcer. They prescribed carafate for my “ulcer” that they thought I had (before they saw the EGD results) and I nearly puked on that med. Stopped taking it immediately. But now I have a very expensive script that I only used once. I have resolved to care for myself the best way I know how…listen to my body! And fight for myself.

The Buzz!

What’s the buzz? It’s not a new radio station in town. It’s not a hot wings restaurant down on the corner where the servers wear footballs over their tatas! It’s me, my weight!

I just broke 400!!!

I weigh 399.8 today. πŸ˜€ Starting at 513 lbs. in August of 2012, to finally be down past 400 is huge! 113.2 lbs. lost! I am so happy. I am so thankful. I am so very excited! I am so excited to be at this weight-busting moment!

I had wanted to meet this goal before the end of 2016, but I’m only 9 days late. πŸ˜€ Better late than never.

Thank you for just cheering me on. It helps. Woot!!! I’m losing! I really am.

And if you’re having trouble starting your NYE diet resolution, be afraid, because I’m on your a$$ and I’m coming for you! What better motivation to start! LOL πŸ˜‰