What do you do??

So, while I was winding up my trip in the Holy Land, I got sick. Really sick. And I’m just now getting over it. It has made my traveling and life-re-entering difficult! Finally feeling better. But. While I was sick at the hotel for two days, I found time to interview myself about my role overseas. 🙂 It’s supposed to be funny!

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Vol. 2 (continued)

More from my second volume of Present Tense. These excerpts have not been published or seen. This is from the time I visited my dad in the hospital, just before he passed. He was very sick. End-stage cancer.


Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em


Lung cancer. He smoked for over 45 years. Sometimes 3 packs a day. Sometimes a pipe. Rarely marijuana.
He is laying in bed in a hospital room. I walk into the room with my mother and sister. He’s in a gown, head shaved and Sharpie marks on his scalp. That’s where they focus the radiation. That’s where the brain tumors are. There are several marks. There are other places in his body that have cancer. Leg. Stomach. Chest.
He’s uncomfortable. He starts to squirm. He rolls onto his stomach, props himself up on his elbows and knees. My mother rubs his back. She whispers softly in his ear. She looks scared. So does he. This is the most vulnerable, tender moment I have ever seen them share. The pain passes.
He looks at me and asks me to buy him a pack of cigarettes. He hands me several dollar bills. I agree.
Our philosophies were in agreement on this day and many to follow. The world is a brief, harsh place and you find pleasure where you can.
I was not going to deny a dying man his last want or need.
We are on our way to my grandmother’s funeral.

Why’s it so hard to be nice to ourselves?

I’m pretty hard on myself.

I just had a major surgery (last Thursday) and I’m expecting miracles. I expect that I should be out of pain, off oxycodone, totally withdrawn from all pain meds and on my feet doing laundry and keeping house. In my wildest post-op fantasy, I should be holding down a job, fixing dinner every night and dressing for success all damn day. Also, adopting orphans and feeding the homeless.

When I write it down, it sounds ridiculous.

I haven’t had a job in 6 months. I’ve been sick for over 4 years. I’ve been recovering from weight loss surgery for just over a month and gallbladder removal for just under a week. I can barely hold down food at this point, let alone a job. Calm down, Mother Teresa!

I guess I’m impatient because I know how long I’ve been sick and how much I want to be better. My goal is be a productive human being again. Stop wasting time on being sick. Be a better wife, mother and human. To serve others and have purpose. To lose weight overnight and be a rockstar tomorrow. I’m ready for all the glory without any of the work, pain, time. Honestly, I want to take away the burden of a sick home from my husband and daughter. Bottom line. I feel so selfish.

Today was a success because I am almost 48 hours out from my last oxycodone pill after having taken them every day for over a month. My nausea is subsiding and I’m able to stand up straight without pain. My weight has gone back down to 399.8 and I’m doing laundry by myself. I am not exactly following my post-op diet but I am eating food that I can stomach.

I can only have a few bites at a time. I’m supposed to have nothing but protein, but when ur sick? Protein sounds awful! Chicken soup/veggie soup/broth is about the only protein I can stomach and even so, how much soup can a person handle? When you’re nauseous, ever heard of BRAT? Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. I’ve been having a small piece of toast throughout the day for a coupla days because it’s all I can keep down. I can only eat a few bites, I over-chew and it stays down. Breaking the rules, but being nice to myself. Still losing weight, of course, because I’m barely eating anything.

Important not to make a habit out of bread. Also, trying to keep liquids down. That’s the most important thing I can do right now. Stay hydrated.

Goals for today:
Drink liquids.
Eat a little.
Stay off oxy!
Do a tiny bit of laundry.

Check!

OH! And be nice to myself. Check.

As a sidenote: I wish the nurses and doctors during my recovery had mentioned the oxy-nausea thing. Instead they told me to return to a soft food diet, not “get off oxy asap!” It’s not food, it’s the drug. Pretty sure. Because what they thought was an ulcer is now almost assuredly a side effect of the oxy. Glad they listened to me finally, took out my gallbladder and saw through the EGD that I did not have an ulcer. They prescribed carafate for my “ulcer” that they thought I had (before they saw the EGD results) and I nearly puked on that med. Stopped taking it immediately. But now I have a very expensive script that I only used once. I have resolved to care for myself the best way I know how…listen to my body! And fight for myself.