This is my happy face (Bitch)!

If this were a shirt for me, I would add “Bitch” to the end! lol

I was walking introspectively the other day, into the hospital where I deliver labs, and one of the doctors (lady in a lab coat) told me, “That’s not your happy face, is it?”

Look, I have piercing gray eyes and am often lost in thought about the universe and God. Leave me alone! lol I’m a writer.

I wanted to punch her.

I’m happy. I’m downright Zen, Bitch! But then that’s not a very Zen-like response, is it?

So, I instantly forgave her stupidity and assumed she was completely insane or insecure. Doctor or no. Then I pitied her. Had empathy and compassion for the idle-chat crazy. And then, I smiled.

See? Total Zen! LOL

Even if she wanted to cheer me unnecessarily, that was a rude thing to say. What if I am happy and you’re saying I look ugly? Sour?

You’ve just hurt me, Stupid. The opposite of your goal. I’m so sorry you have a degree to wear a lab coat and still can’t function in polite society. Get a grip, Doc.

I can write funny, but often have BRF. It’s in my genes. (My mom has to deal with crazies, too.) Deal with it! 😀

I don’t think people have to go around with a Buddha-like smile all the time to reassure those who are insecure or nervous. But I often smile at strangers. It’s just not my priority to make you feel secure. Sorry. I am very friendly to my co-workers and route clients. I don’t make mean faces at people. I don’t go out of my way to scowl. I just have an internal dialogue that often involves God. Isn’t that better than waving around my negativity??

Thanks for understanding.

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happy halloween, my freaks.

Horseman rides
Without a head
Pumpkin placed
In facial stead

Seeds for brains
Candle for eyes
On this dark night
His ghost will rise

Sword in hand
Out for blood
The streets will run
With crimson flood

Don’t be caught
In the lane tonight
Or you might suffer
More than a fright

Keep your head
And wits about
Stay inside
While the Horseman’s out

halloween

 

Punkin

Horseman rides
Without a head
Pumpkin placed
In facial stead

Seeds for brains
Candle for eyes
On this dark night
His ghost will rise

Sword in hand
Out for blood
The streets will run
With crimson flood

Don’t be caught
In the lane tonight
Or you might suffer
More than a fright

Keep your head
And wits about
Stay inside
While the Horseman’s out

halloween


An early Halloween story. It’s October. It’s allowed.

Schpider!

spiderDon’t look, Dad!
It’s a terrible sight!
If you can’t see him,
It’ll save you a fright.

I’ll protect you.
Don’t worry now.
I can tame spiders.
Mom taught me how.


Lilli and Dad at the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art in 2009. She was 6. We were being goofy and I thought this would be a funny picture for my black and white film photography class.

The Best

If you’re a llama?
Be the best llama you know.
Sorry, Non-llamas.


If you can’t be a llama, be the best version of yourself today. Or at least be a little better than yesterday–in understanding, patience or kindness. That’s what all these tomorrows are for.

Drawing credit: Jimmy King (dad)

Dolly Llama

So I did a really silly series except I only did one or two. So it’s not technically a series. Yet. So I’m coming back to those. This one (below) is Llama Doorjamb (Spoof of Lama Dorje from Little Buddha, one of my favorite movies. It’s not the best acting, think Chris Isaak, but it’s a great look at Buddha and his story). My daughter, Pencil Princess, drew him. He’s so friggin’ cute. She drew it several months ago, but it didn’t scan properly and we didn’t have time to go back and rescan.llama doorjamb.jpg

I mean NO disrespect to any Buddhists, Tibet or the Dalai Lama. In fact, the opposite. I have found many things in Buddhism that reinforce my Christian faith and help me overcome my weaknesses.

Things like, when a wave or storm comes at you, don’t be overwhelmed. Anticipate the wave, accept the wave, overcome the wave, be the wave, understand the wave. Help others who are drowning. And suffering. Stop suffering by letting go of needless desire. All very good advice and here is where Buddhism and Christianity overlap. How to be a better Buddhist, Christian, person.

This llama has that Bill Murray pout, the one he had in Caddyshack. I love it. Murray has that speech about talking with the Dalai Lama and reaching enlightment? He ends his brag with “So, I got that goin’ for me.”

This is my catchphrase as of late. Whenever I say something that sounds braggy or lame such as:

I just leveled up in Toy Blast!

or

Today, I didn’t almost-crap my pants!

I always follow those phrases up with “So, I got that goin’ for me.” in that sideways-Bill-Murray voice. And it always makes me happy to think of it.


So I usually dole out some silly wisdom or joke in these little asides. It’s more of a poem for my nugget of wisdom with a touch of silliness, and oh-so true for me lately:

I never thought it would happen.
But.
Turns out?
I’m an optimist!

LOL, this might be a new take on an old joke, but it’s how I’m feeling today.


Feel good about yourself today. No one else might! 🙂

Hammered Dog Doo

I went in for gallbladder removal and EGD on Thursday of last week. I just have to say that gallbladder pain is the worst pain I’ve ever had. And I gave birth the old-fashioned way.

The thing about natural childbirth (or any birthing event, C-section) though is this. Even though your ripped and torn, bleeding and bruised, banged up, sore and hamburglarized–some sort of magic manic-euphoria sets in and you don’t feel pain like a normal person. It’s as if the pain gets blurred. Dulled by the giddy feelings of falling in love with your baby. You can just basically forget you have legs or a babymaker for hours at a time.

So, if they would have swaddled my little gallbladder sac like a precious newborn, I might have made it through okay. But that didn’t happen. That sack of marbles got tossed on the bio-waste heap with all the other dysfunctional organs time and junk food has stolen from my body.

But I did figure out the source of my nausea. I’ve been oh-so nauseous for days! Before GB removal and after. Just before the new year, I went into the ER for stomach pain. They pumped me full of dilaudid. The nurse said, “They typically give that to trauma patients, so you’re lucky!” After 24 hours of pain meds though, I didn’t feel lucky. I just felt sick as a dog. That stuff made me so nauseated! Never again. They had to administer the pain med with anti-naus meds to not make me more sick??! No!

You should also know, I hate taking pills. I hate it. I hate taking heart meds, pain meds, weight loss meds, any meds. I grew up in a household where you suffered through your pain. And that made me tough. Occasionally, I would get some aspirin or cold medicine, but for the most part, I was allowed to just sleep it off. Let my nose run. Hack up a lung. Let the fever break. Let the earache ooze. Let the scrape breathe! And, for the most part, I did okay. Never really needed more than that. I would’ve liked more than that sometimes I guess, but I didn’t need it.

I had measles, chickenpox, mumps, whatever. I only had shots once. I have had shingles. Twice! And I just rode it out. This is a way of life. This is a philosophy. Let your body do what it needs to do. I’ve always been interested in alternative medicine. I don’t smoke pot, but I’m sure pot is better at pain management than oxy. Why don’t we have something natural instead of synthetic? And I know pot doesn’t make you nauseous. Quite the opposite.

Only until I entered the modern healthcare system at 39 with heart failure, did I need meds. I needed meds before that for my heart, but I ignored it. So this modern approach to pain management is new to me. I think I’m addicted to oxycodone. I am not taking any more as of this morning. I think it’s partly causing my nausea and even though I’m still in pain, I’m done! I’d rather be sore than sick to my stomach. I can handle anything except nausea.

Oxy can cause nausea. Itching. Stomach irritation. Vomiting. Ulcers! Great med to give someone who just had their stomach diced up like a tomato. But I don’t think anyone expected me to still be on oxy. But they’ve been doling it out like M&Ms. The gallbladder complication really threw a wrench into my recovery. So. Cold turkey. I’m basically giving up heroin lite. Oxy is an opiate. Same class as heroin. AND I’m so done.

This morning I feel clear. Sore, but on the mend. I don’t need pain meds, I can muddle through without. Our bodies send us messages all the time and we should listen, not mute. I shouldn’t just take oxy because it’s sitting there in the cabinet. I shouldn’t just take it until they run out. I’m in charge. I should go easy until I heal and be a little sore. Or alot sore.

I’m adding back my meds that I know were safe before weight loss surgery, then I’m adding the new ones one at a time. I gotta get straight. I was taking stomach ulcer meds to try and keep up with what the oxy was doing to my gut. No thanks. But you don’t always realize what’s happening with taking so many meds. How they interact and what they’re even made of. Oxy is an acid. Not good for sensitive new tummies. You simply take what the doctor hands you. When you’re sick, you can’t do the research of a pharmacist from your recovery bed.

At some point I didn’t realize that my post-op weight loss surgery pain had migrated to opiate addiction. I was muting my messages. Plus, to suffer gallbladder stones on top of it, that was sending mixed signals for sure. I’m glad to be on the other side of it. I’m glad to take control right now. I still hurt, but nothing I can’t handle. Time to be tough.

I was praying so much this past weekend. Praying to make it through. Praying for the nausea to leave. Praying for healing. Praying for an ulcer-free stomach. Praying for the back pain from yanking out my GB to go. And I think I just got my answer. Thank you, Lord.

Current weight=402.2

I went up with surgery which is expected. I was up to 409 when I came home after being down to 397.8 before surgery. So I get to break 400 twice I guess? 🙂 They pumped me full of IV juices, so that’s one of the reasons I went up. Oh well. 402 is not bad! Onward and downward!